Previously, on “Everybody Must Love Donald!”:
Donald Trump “tackled” the serious issue of NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem to peacefully protest police violence, which disproportionately affects black men, even “ungrateful wealthy football stars.”
Trump’s pet Veep Mike Pence later volunteered by way of presidential decree to go home to Indiana and peacefully protest the peaceful protest.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 8, 2017
Eventually, Trump scored the greatest domestic achievement of his presidency.
Some of the disloyal football players didn’t want to hang out with the current White House squatter just because he called some of them “military-disrespecting sons of bitches” when not also conspiring to deprive them of their First Amendment rights.
The Philadelphia Eagles have been disinvited from their Super Bowl celebration at the White House. At roughly 7 p.m. on Monday night, President Donald Trump canceled the visit that was planned for Tuesday.
Trump wasn’t happy with the Eagles’ decision to send less than their entire team. According to NFL Network’s Mike Garafolo, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie decided to send a smaller contingent as a way to avoid putting his players in a difficult spot. Garafolo reported that the contingent visiting the White House would’ve consisted of fewer than 10 players.
According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, “a large group of Eagles players had decided not to attend, including most — if not all — of the black players.” ESPN’s report did say that Lurie and coach Doug Pederson were among those planning to attend.
No matter, Trump would still throw the biggest,“Be Best”-est Celebration Of What He Considers America extravaganza you’ve ever seen — all without any uppity kneeling Negroes (or the First Lady because she’s got “stuff”), and this time, the president promises, they’ll be “no escaping”! (Is that a selling point? That doesn’t sound like a selling point.)
We will proudly be playing the National Anthem and other wonderful music celebrating our Country today at 3 P.M., The White House, with the United States Marine Band and the United States Army Chorus. Honoring America! NFL, no escaping to Locker Rooms!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 5, 2018
Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney spikes the ball:
Philly mayor Jim Kenney’s statement is pointed.
After President Trump disinvited the #Eagles to the White House, Kenney calls him “a fragile egomaniac obsessed with crowd size and afraid of the embarrassment of throwing a party to which no one wants to attend.” pic.twitter.com/90pHhIR4SU
— Dave Zangaro (@DZangaroNBCS) June 5, 2018
And now, the
series season (damn!) finale of “Everybody Must Love Donald!”:
It was Donald Trump’s Spite-Filled Love America My Style Celebration! The president was welcomed by what Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would later describe as a “crowd of near trillions” on the South Lawn of the White House. He spoke patriotically, or perhaps more accurately, he used the word “patriotic” wherever his speechwriter had placed punctuation. He boldly declared it was “about time” someone explained why “young Americans” should stand for the National Anthem. After all, only in free nations are there mandatory collective expressions of country worship.
Standing next to Trump and draped in a red-white-and-blue popover dress from the Ivanka Trump Collection, America — yes, that’s who you really insulted here, Eagles players — softly suggested that her humble leader, always hesitant to claim credit for anything, tell those assembled everything he’d done for her in so short a time — taking her away from a lousy ex, weaning her off meth, cleaning her up, and just plain making her great again.
“Our country has never done better than it’s doing right now. Never! Record numbers at every outpost! You take a look at what’s going on. Lowest unemployment we’ve had. Lowest African-American unemployment in the history of our country! Lowest Hispanic numbers in the history of our country. Lowest numbers for women in 21 years! We’ve created $7 trillion of value in our country since the election. We’re the largest economy in the world and getting a lot larger and fast. It’s happened very quickly. Actually, quicker than I even thought. We’re doing great! And all of those people that we honor, many of them are looking down right now — some of them are right here — but many of them are looking down right now at our country and they are proud. They are very, very proud. So we stand together for freedom. We stand together for patriotism. And we proudly stand for our glorious nation under God! I want to thank you all for being here. This is a beautiful, big celebration. Actually, to be honest, it’s even bigger than we had anticipated.”
Then Trump led the crowd in a rousing rendition of “God Bless America,” which was so moving, as if he was singing it for the first time — perhaps because he was singing it for the first time.
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) June 5, 2018
America suddenly burst into tears, agreeing wholeheartedly that she was nothing — nothing! — before Trump came along, and was guided off the stage, “through the night with the light from above.” Trump proudly departed, resisting calls for encores, and after receiving official clearance from any potential jury duty service for at least a decade, those assembled patriotically receded from the lawn.
At The White House. One guy in the audience took a knee during the national anthem at President Trumps celebration of America no Eagles event. Left right after – didn’t wanna talk pic.twitter.com/NLRGp26gln
— Jesper Zølck (@zolckTv2) June 5, 2018
One man did appear to kneel during the National Anthem, but he was white, so he was most likely just bending down to chivalrously retrieve a nearby lady’s dropped patriotism. God bless America. Meanwhile, the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors have proactively stated that regardless of which team wins the NBA Finals, neither would visit the White House. So, we might have another one of these next month.